I wish I knew

Today the strangest of things happened…Bonnie asked me whats been goin on in my mind…sayin that I haven’t talked abt it much.
Its strange because most often than not…she is the only one person in this world who needs no words to figure out whats goin on with me…or maybe that’s because I tell her even before I tell myself.
And since there’s so much talk about blogger being therapeutic, I thought I might as well give it a try. Lets see if I manage to make some sense of this jigsaw called my life...
There are a few things that broadly make up the pieces of the puzzle.
As I wipe out tears that have silently rolled down from my eyes I think back to see how I’ve come to be where I am today…so where am I today? And why is it different from where I was before?
The answers don’t come easily and not without mulling over and over about things that don’t make me happy.
Though I do thank God every day for giving me people who make all worries seem non existent, people who’d wish for me to be happy even if that’s the only wish that would ever be granted, people who silently pray for miracles to happen for me because I deserve them…I can’t help but realize that me, a person who was essentially known to smile all the time and never need any reasons to be happy has become a person who finds it difficult to gather reasons to sing with joy…and the entire universe seems to be conspiring to make my life miserable.
I don’t wanna sound like I’m the only one in the world who has issues and that I can’t handle them but this is the best way to analyse, write it down.
Nothing seems to make any sense anymore, I’m royally screwed as far as the project is concerned…though that might still work out, it does frustrate me no end.
I don’t find peace even when I’m asleep…there’s this strange whirlwind of thoughts in my head that refuses to stop, giving me no rest. I have my house to worry about, we’re goin to be moving soon to Faridabad and I cannot be even remotely excited about moving into a bigger, more spacious, well built home for the simple reason that I don’t wanna go.
Well for one, I’ll be very far away from college…will take prolly over an hour to commute and how is also the question that hasn’t been answered.
I’m just plain disappointed about nothing working the way it should … I don’t get sleep at nights, I don’t feel like eating, I sometimes feel like being all alone and I sometimes hate that I have no company, its all so muddled up.
Like I was telling Bonnie the other day “Its like I was waiting for something to happen...but time aaya chala gaya and nuthing happened!” :-/
All this is not really the entire picture … because added to it is this ‘constant wait’ for nothing, this is hard to explain but I know most people would know what I’m talking about and those who don’t I’m sorry I can’t explain. I dunno what I’m waiting for but it never seems to end, can be compared best to walking deeper and deeper into a dark tunnel waiting and hoping for someone to shine the light to show you the way.
I’m supposed to have no time to worry my head over ‘faaltu ki cheezein’ but that’s bound to happen when those ‘faaltu ki cheezein’ constitute pretty much whatever’s happening in your life … same is the case with me.
I need direction, impetus and change that brings joy. I am feeling a slow change in how I know myself and I don’t like it. I wish I knew how I could stop this from happening.

PS: This post was just meant to spit out crap onto blogger, so I could get it out of my system. Don’t take it too seriously; I’m still the insane, incorrigible Vands you all know. :)